Tag: Funny

Random/Weird Thoughts 3

By this point, I’ve become fairly well-known for posting random thoughts that twist your brain. My first two posts are here and here. So here are some more random thoughts for your enjoyment!

Random Weird Thoughts3


  • Why is it called “after dark” when it is really “after light”?
  • Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  • Why do we say “Something is out of whack”.  What is a whack?
  • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  • How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Now stop singing. ^^
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  • If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
  • How do “Keep off the grass” signs get where they are?
  • Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
  • Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
  • Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there?
  • Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Why are women never blamed for leaving the lid down?
  • Why do they call them buildings? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
  • What’s another word for thesaurus?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • What is the speed of dark?
  • How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

 

You May Be A Science Olympian If…

Part 1 (Homeschooler edition)

I was thinking (that is a good thing). Science Olympians do a lot of things most people wouldn’t. And it’s weird. And because I’m obviously NOT PROCRASTINATING on studying for Science Olympiad, here is a list of things Science Olympians do.

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You may be a Science Olympian if…

  • Mission Possible sounds more right to you than Mission Impossible
  • Likewise,  Sounds of Music sounds more right to you than The Sound of Music
  • You’re more excited about the new event list being out than you are about summer break
  • Christmas break to you basically means “Two weeks of Science Olympiad and no school”
  • You have random maps of colleges in your brain
  • You judge people from different states based on how good their state is at Science Olympiad
  • You follow someone on Instagram just because they’re a Science Olympian and sometimes post sciency pictures.
  • You can appreciate how big size 10 font is
  • You have experience with drilling holes through textbooks
  • You’re known to write long scientific incomprehensible ramblings for biology
  • You’re known to write long confusing essays with scientific words in them
  • No one understood your biology project
  • You engage in a discussion as to whether Sharpie ink is able to add a noticeable amount of weight to an object (helicopters)
  • The final conclusion to aforementioned discussion is yes, Sharpie ink DOES add too much weight. (helicopters)
  • You hands perpetually have superglue (or any type of glue, really) on them (helicopters/ELG/Wright Stuff/bridges/towers/boomilever/anything with balsa wood)
  • You can say that you’ve gone to the fire station to ask how high their ceiling is (helicopters/ELG/Wright Stuff)
  • Similarly, you know exactly the dimensions of all the rooms with high ceilings in town (helicopters/ELG/Wright Stuff)
  • The people at the recreation center know you by name (building events in general)
  • Your kitchen counter is full of soda bottles, foam trays, plastic lids, and other miscellaneous recycling that cannot be thrown out on penalty of death (Bottle Rockets/Wind Power/Forensics)
  • You follow mineral pages on social media, rather than people (rocks and minerals)
  • You identify stuff you find on hikes (ornithology/forestry/rocks and minerals)
  • You collect insects/rocks and minerals/fossils for fun
  • You’ve been to the point where even Google is not useful –>
  • You’re learning to writes ambidextriously so that you can write with both hands to save time (CJAP, WI/DI, ExD)
  • You know how scary Splenda packets, foam cups, and plastic stir sticks can be (WI/DI)
  • Your procrastination abilities far exceed those of your friends’
  • Your friends don’t question anything you give the explanation “it’s for science” for.
  • You have the best friend group on the planet
  • You spend your New Year’s Eve discussing the social psychology behind New Year’s and New Year’s resolutions…because why not
  • You find yourself discussing earth’s magnetic field with your friend group
  • You discuss whether being consistently late is accuracy or precision while waiting for said consistently late persons
  • You’re exceedingly brilliant-for instance, you close your eyes while looking in the mirror and wonder why you can’t see yourself
  • You draw on your forehead with Sharpie as part of “scientific experimentation”
  • You constantly make jokes about dying…and oftentimes actually cannot see how you’ll be able to survive
  • You and the other Science Olympian are shipped at church
  • You’re unimaginably excited to “study,” better known as “socialization.”
  • You stay overnight at the coach’s house to study
  • You write “You May be a Science Olympian If” blogposts instead of actually studying for Science Olympiad.

Groucho Marx: Laughs at First Sight|| Quotes

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So recently, I found a quote by Groucho Marx.

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog it’s too dark too read.”

Tell me that isn’t awesome.

So…I got on GoodReads, and found more quotes by this guy.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

Eventually, I started sharing them with my friends. One friend, in particular, got a heavier load of Groucho Marx.

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

We basically came to the same conclusion at the same time.

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

So I’m doing so.

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

Tell me this guy isn’t awesome.

“I must admit, I was born at an early age. ”

I’m running out of interesting things to say.

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

And I’m sure Groucho Marx is more interesting anyways.

“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says “yes” you know he is a crook.”

So I’ll post a bunch of quotes here in a row and stop butting in.

“I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“She got her looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon”

“Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I’ll never know.”

‘Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana”

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I’ll tell you at the end that he was a comedian. That killed some of the joy for me…he got paid for being funny! He was a great guy, still.

Random/Weird Thoughts 2

A little more than a year ago, I did a post about random/weird thoughts that people (that is, not me) thought up about the weird things that happen in this world. Since then, I’ve come across more of these thoughts and wanted to make another post about them, since I LOVE reading these and twisting my brain. ^^


Have you ever wondered…

 

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? (this I’ve never tested, but according to all the YouTubers I’ve watched, this looks to be true)
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
  • If 7-11s are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • If you lick the air, does it get wet?
  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?
  • Why do they call them “Free Gifts”?  Aren’t all gifts free?
  • If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
  • If you can cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  • Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  • If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway

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Funny Things Duolingo Says

Just recently, BuzzFeed released a blogpost with 23 of the funniest Duolingo fails. However, there are many, many, more funny things that Duolingo tells you.

For those of you who don’t know what Duolingo is, it is a language learning website that teaches multiple languages for free. However, Duolingo also says some funny things as well. Here are some of the ones that I have come across during my time with Duolingo.

Duolingo teaches you to…

…state the obvious

Alive

Are you sure?

Hate Mondays

Who doesn’t?

Regular Person

So is most everyone. (I may not be though)

…indirectly insult

Cutthecheese

’nuff said.

Normal Sister

This statement probably makes many appearances…haha!

Tired of Smile

BURRRNNNNN

…brag

Best House

Well, aren’t you smug.

Discover Country

Who do you think you are, Christopher Columbus?

…crazy exclamations

Sky Falling

Hello there, Chicken Little…

Not Real

I just saw a ghost!

…make great excuses

Bad Man

therefore….?

…mourn lemons

Liked Lemon

…and make the inevitable comparison of you to animals.

Am BearAm Spider

So there you have it, 14 funny things Duolingo teaches you to say!

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Funny Road Signs

Funny Road Signs

School…..ick…..I’m glad I have a few blogposts stored up to use.

As mentioned often before, I really like funny stuff on the internet. Here are some of the funniest road signs I’ve seen so far.

natives

Is there going to be a bad consequence?

woah

What do they want, expect you to fly?

typos

I certainly hope the person who designed the sign went to preschool!

suv

Definitely. We all appreciate you pulling your huge SUV right in front of us when we’re driving at 45mph.

stacked

One way, two way, I sound like Dr. Suess.

rain

I mean, that was just soooo not obvious. There is NEVER water on the road when it rains.

drunk

Is the guy drunk, or what?

deadend

Literal dead end. Wow.

cows

What’s up there? A farm? A barn with no floor? That’s kind of freaky. On the other hand, there’s the possibility that the cow’s going to get killed on its way down and then you’ll have fresh meat….

circus

Wow. That’s rough. Circus, anybody?

funny sign

Notices, notices….

plz die

Where did the tax money go?

Sign_Caution careful of your focus

Read the fine print!! (For those who can’t read it, it says “Also, the bridge is out ahead”.

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Funny Church Bulletins

Even church secretaries make mistakes.

  • “Say ‘hell’ to someone who doesn’t like you.”
  • “Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church.”
  • “Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.”
  • “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
  • “O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.”
  • “After today’s service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.”
  • “Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.”
  • “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
  • “The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”
  • “Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.”
  • “This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.”
  • “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”
  • “There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow.”
  • “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
  • “Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
  • “Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured.” — The subject of a sermon that should have read, “An Institution To Endure.”
  • “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
  • “The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.”
  • “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'”
  • “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
  • “The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”
  • “Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”
  • “The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.'”
  • “Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
  • “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”
  • “The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.”
  • “The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
  • “The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.”
  • “Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.”
  • “Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”
  • “Women’s S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)”
  • “He came down and saved my soup.”

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